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Company in Wisconsin set to install microchips into employees. Nah.

The antichrist is somewhere smiling. Wisconsin-based tech company, Three Square Market, has decided on an option that allows a rice sized microchip to be implanted in their employees.

HOTBOY!

The chip technology, which will be implanted between the thumb and index finger of employees, is set to start on Aug. 1 and will allow its host access into the building and an express pass at the cafeteria.

With just a wave of the hand, Three Square Market employees will be able to use the RFID (Radio-Frequency Identification) Chip to open doors and buy food.

How would you feel if your boss asked you about implanting a chip inside of your hand? Uh, no I’m good homie.

According to the New York Times, more than 50 out of 80 employees at Three Square’s headquarters volunteered.

It seems as if employees were not only intrigued by the idea but also excited about it.

According to the NYT, Todd Westby, the chief executive of Three Square was surprised at the positive response.

“Much to my surprise, when we had our initial meeting to ask if this was something we wanted to look at doing, it was an overwhelming majority of people that said yes…”

Mr. Westby continued,

“It exceeded my expectations. Friends, they want to be chipped. My whole family is being chipped — my two sons, my wife and myself.”

Chill. My guy got the whole family involved. So fucking sus.

Three Square Market will not be the first company to use the RFID Chip. According to the Washington Post,

“Epicenter, a digital hub in Stockholm that houses more than 300 start-ups and innovation labs for larger companies, has made the implanted chip available to its workers and to member organizations in recent years.”

Could this be a scheme to monitor worker output? Apparently, this is not the goal of the chip. But who knows what this technology can be used for if put into the wrong hands.

According to Alessandro Acquisti, a professor of information technology and public policy at Carnegie Mellon University’s Heinz College,

“Companies often claim that these chips are secure and encrypted, but ‘encrypted’ is a pretty vague term, which could include anything from a truly secure product to something that is easily hackable.”

Chill.

Acquisti continued,

“That technology designed for one purpose may later be used for another. A microchip implanted today to allow for easy building access and payments could, in theory, be used later in more invasive ways: to track the length of employees’ bathroom or lunch breaks, for instance, without their consent or even their knowledge. Once they are implanted, it’s very hard to predict or stop a future widening of their usage.”

Besides being at risk to have your actual soul hacked, the RFID Chip could put the chip-haver’s health at risk. Although the chip was approved by the FDA back in 2004 it still does run a chance of causing an infection.

I am not with the shits.

Sean Spicer resigns as press secretary and honestly, we’re kind of sad

Sean Spicer, everyone’s favorite lying mouthpiece, stepped down as White House press secretary today and we’ve got mixed emotions.

On one hand, it seems cool that Sean Spicer will no longer be able to talk about inauguration sizes, hiding in the bushes, or say that the president “has been clear.”

On the other hand, we’re gonna miss all of that. What’s gonna happen to those oversized suits? Will there be, like a real press secretary that is good at his/her job now?

https://twitter.com/fivefifths/status/888429821403037696

Sean Spicer’s term as press secretary has been haunted by ridiculous moments like calling concentration camps “Holocaust Centers” while trying to explain that Bashar al-Assad was very bad, telling April Ryan to stop shaking her head, and talking about the large variety of walls that exist in the world.

Apparently Spicer has stepped down as Trump named Anthony Scaramucci, a prominent Republican donor, as new communications director.

Sean Spicer reportedly didn’t like the hire and said that if Trump went through with the appointment of Scaramucci, that Spicer would leave.

Politico reports,

“When Spicer found out about Trump’s interest in bringing Scaramucci on board on Thursday night, he vented to confidants that he did not think Scaramucci could handle a major media campaign and didn’t deserve the job, one of the confidants said.”

Spicer’s distress was not limited to Scaramucci’s abilities, he was  also worried about his own position within the White House.

Again from Politico,

“He also expressed concern about whether Scaramucci would technically be in a senior position to him, since in the Obama administration the communications director was senior to the press secretary, according to two people familiar with the conversations.”

Poor Spicey.

Honestly, we’ll miss Sean Spicer’s bizarre self ranting and raving about the media’s treatment of Trump.

We’ll also miss Melissa McCarthy’s amazing Spicer imitation.

https://twitter.com/morninggloria/status/888428539975942144

https://twitter.com/lpolgreen/status/888430000625651712

Forbes just discovered people eat weed edibles, shocks everyone

Forbes went deep into the dark underworld of legal weed and have uncovered something very disturbing.

As it turns out… you can eat weed.

I know, I was horrified as well.

Who would’ve thought of this madness? Baking weed into some sort of edible food, it’s startling stuff.

According to Forbes’ Mike Montgomery, it’s incredibly difficult to bake weed into food.

Montgomery wrote,

“The process is way more labor intensive — it requires sourcing and roasting cacao beans, grinding chocolate for three to four days, then carefully tempering and molding it into bars with just the right ratio of cannabis. But Fosburg believes it’s worth the effort.”

Ah yes, making edibles requires sourcing cacao beans and three to four days of grinding chocolate. Some kid with an oven and an ounce of mids could never “carefully temper and mold” weed brownies or anything.

Folks, it takes an expert to make weed edibles. You need to be someone like Matt Fosburg, founder of Ez THC, who is profiled in Montgomery’s article.

As it turns out, edible weed is a lot like heirloom tomatoes and artisanal pickles(!),

“But just as we’ve seen markets for food like heirloom tomatoes and artisanal pickles, Fosburg believes there will be consumers who prefer a gourmet product.”

First of all, what the shit is an artisanal pickle? These pickles are almost as much of a mystery as edible weed.

This whole article reveals quite the industry behind people eating weed.

It turns out that not everyone wants to smoke pot! Sometimes people just wanna eat the pot.

In Colorado, the chill young stoner cousin of America, sales of edible pot have gone from “$17 million in the first quarter of 2014 to $53 million in the third quarter of 2016.”

Chilling stuff.

Thankfully the internet let me know I was not alone in my distress that people are eating the pot.

https://twitter.com/JimmyMecks/status/888120724400898052

Hold your loved ones tightly and pray they never eat the weed.

‘GoT’ creators new show ‘Confederate’ sounds like worst shit ever

With its massive debut, HBO’s hit TV series Game of Thrones looks to have one of its most successful seasons yet.

Sunday’s episode titled “Dragonstone” snagged about 10 million viewers for the season premier. And those numbers will keep rising as the show progresses.

There are even talks about potential spinoffs that will either be preludes to the show’s timeline or take place after the show has ended.

However, when asked at last year’s Television Critics Association summer press tour about these spinoffs, president of HBO’s programming Casey Bloys stated that there are, “no concrete plans, or anything like that at this point.” However, there is one project set to begin after the final season of GoT.

Recently, HBO greenlit another project by GoT’s executive producers and showrunners D.B. Weiss and David Benioff called Confederate.

It is based on an alternate timeline where the southern states have successfully seceded from the Union and slavery was never abolished. The story chronicles the events leading to the Third American Civil War.

According to HBO’s press release,

“The story follows a broad swath of characters on both sides of the Mason-Dixon Demilitarized Zone – freedom fighters, slave hunters, politicians, abolitionists, journalists, the executives of a slave-holding conglomerate and the families of people in their thrall.”

Unfortunately for those hoping to see White Walkers, that will not be the case, sort of.

Both producers stated,

“We have discussed Confederate for years, originally as a concept for a feature film but our experience on Thrones has convinced us that no one provides a bigger, better storytelling canvas than HBO.

“There won’t be dragons or White Walkers in this series, but we are creating a world, and we couldn’t imagine better partners in world-building than Nichelle and Malcolm, who have impressed us for a long time with their wit, their imagination and their Scrabble-playing skills.”

The Spellmans will be joining in this project as executive producers and writers. Nichelle Tramble Spellman has worked for the shows Justified and The Good Wife while Malcolm Spellman has worked on Empire.

Carolyn Strauss and Bernadette Caulfield, who have both worked on Game of Thrones, will also join as executive producers.

While this may be an interesting idea for some, it has also sparked a lot of controversy on social media outlets. Most are concerned about how harmful this premise may be, especially with America as most divided as it is right now.

Game of Thrones has seen a lot of controversy itself due to the fact that there is barely any diversity in its cast.

Recently, actor John Boyega, one of the stars in the new Star Wars trilogy, slammed the show for not having enough black actors or actresses in the show. In an interview with GQ, he stated, “There are no black people on Game of Thrones.”

Boyega went on, “you don’t see one black person in Lord of the Rings. I ain’t paying money to always see one type of person on-screen!” Though there are several actors of color such as Nathalie Emmanuel, who plays Missandei, and Jacob Anderson, who plays Grey Worm, a lot of people agree with his statement.

Underground, a much-praised drama that was cancelled recently by WGN has been also brought into the mix. The show was based on key figures in the Underground Railroad. It had wrapped up its second season earlier this month.

John Legend, executive producer of Underground, stated on his twitter that “Content wins. We’re not reliant on a particular network to make great content.”

To see a show like Underground that had so much potential and was not trying to exploit black history but educate and inspire viewers, it begs the question: who is really in charge here?

U.S. Military is spending $130,000 monthly for a crib in Trump Tower

Despite the fact that Donald Trump has not spent a night in Trump Tower since becoming president, the U.S. government is spending more than $130,000 to lease an apartment in the building, according to the Wall Street Journal.

Documents obtained by the Wall Street Journal through a freedom of information request reveal that the government signed $2.39 million lease from April of 2017 to September 2018.

As Donald Trump’s large collection of real estate properties cause him to spend more time away from the White House, the U.S. military and the Secret Service have had to expand their budgets to account for Trump’s travel.

The Wall Street Journal additionally reports that the Secret Service requested an extra $25.7 million to their budget to serve as Trump’s “protective footprint” in New York City.

While Trump’s unorthodox living accommodations may require additional security, the amount of money being spent to do so seems unnecessary.

For instance, the government is paying way above standard price for the apartment in Trump Tower.

The Wall Street Journal reports,

“The military’s lease in Trump Tower puts the space far above market rate for similarly sized apartments in the luxury high rise market and makes it one of the most expensive residential rentals in Manhattan.”

If it seems kind of weird that the government would pay the president’s own property money in order to protect that very president that’s because… it is kind of weird.

In response to criticism from Rep. Jackie Speier (D-CA) about the government’s spending to protect Trump, James A. MacStravic, the acting undersecretary of Defense for Acquisition, Technology and Logistics, wrote in a letter that there was no benefit for Trump.

MacStravic wrote,

“To alleviate your principal concern (i.e. that the president of the United States might financially benefit from the lease effort), please know that this residential space is privately owned and that lease negotiations have been with the owner’s representatives only. We are not aware of any means through which the president would personally benefit from a government lease of this space.”

I guess it’s just normal to pay money to the the president’s property in order to protect him?

Then again, it’s really not.

Chris Christie gets savagely booed for catching foul ball at Mets game

Chris Christie has had a bad summer and the Ls just keep on coming.

Some Christie summer highlights include his ‘Bridgegate’ allies getting convicted for their roles in the petty scandal, Big Chris posting up on a public beach that he closed to the public on July 4th weekend, and getting called a “fat ass” by a caller on WFAN while sitting in for Diet Coke enthusiast Mike Francesa.

This all comes after a Quinnipiac University poll measured the New Jersey governor’s approval rating at a record-low 15% in June.

His response to his record-low numbers?

“That fact is, who cares?” Christie said. “You guys care much more about that stuff than I do. I’ve said to you over and over and over again: Poll numbers matter when you’re running for something. When you’re not running for something, they don’t matter a bit. And I don’t care.”

Fair enough.

Christie’s summer of fun kept on rollin’ on Tuesday while at Citi Field taking in a ball game between the Mets and the Cardinals.

St. Louis shortstop Paul DeJong popped a little foul ball off to the right behind home plate. A rather rotund Mets fan made a pretty nice snag, playing the carom off the screen, but Mets fans, instead of politely clapping as is standard when a fan makes a nice catch treated this fan to a round of boos.

It was Christie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqK4bvLJU78

Although Trump’s favorite fat guy received a round of high fives in his section, those outside the box seats were far from impressed with the New Jersey governor’s play.

Mets fans booing Christie makes sense. He’s a completely despicable character and the Citi Field faithful were suffering through another hapless performance from a team that has significantly underachieved this season.

Injuries, tabloid headlines, and now Chris Christie catching fly balls. Say a prayer for the Mets fans in your life, they don’t deserve this.

Wild exposé alleges R. Kelly holds women captive in abusive sex cult

In a deeply disturbing, but perhaps not altogether shocking, Buzzfeed exposé by Jim DeRogatis, parents of young women have come forward alleging that R&B icon R. Kelly has their daughters captive in a sexually abusive cult.

For years, allegations of sexual misconduct have followed R. Kelly. In 2008, Kelly was acquitted on charges of child pornography after a tape was leaked to DeRogatis, then a reporter at the Chicago Sun-Times.

The details in DeRogatis’ Buzzfeed exposé are pretty scary.

A series of interviews with parents and women that used to be involved with R. Kelly reveal the R&B artist to be a predator that takes advantage of young women trying to seek tutelage from the “I Believe I can Fly” star.

One parent details how a relationship that began over a supposed musical mentorship soon became something far more pernicious.

“When we got to go backstage with R. Kelly, we stayed there over two hours. One-on-one, with just me and my daughter and him. We went back to talk about the music. He listened to her CD. He was going to help her with her CD, and I was really impressed with him at first, because I have always been an R. Kelly fan.”

The parent went on,

“In the back of our minds, we were thinking [my daughter] could be around him if I was with her. It didn’t really hit home. Even with the Aaliyah situation, now that I think about it, ‘Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number’ … but you don’t think about that. You grew up with the song, and you like the song.”

The reference to Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number, a song and debut album by the late great R&b artist Aaliyah that was written and produced by R. Kelly when Aaliyah was 14.

R. Kelly and Aaliyah were illegally married when Aaliyah was only 15.

The Buzzfeed piece is pretty harrowing stuff, including phone recordings and numerous details of abuse and manipulation by R. Kelly over the years.

R. Kelly allegedly has roughly 7 women in his circle. He monitors what they eat, when they can go to the bathroom, wash themselves, what they look like (even paying for plastic surgery), and restricts them from speaking to their parents.

While the parents interviewed in the piece have gone to the police in Georgia and Illinois multiple times, the legal age of consent in those states is 16 and 17 respectively so no criminal charges can be filed.

For his part, R. Kelly has denied the allegations and his civil lawyer Linda Mensch emailed Buzzfeed a response to the exposé.

Mensch wrote,

“We can only wonder why folks would persist in defaming a great artist who loves his fans, works 24/7, and takes care of all of the people in his life. He works hard to become the best person and artist he can be. It is interesting that stories and tales debunked many years ago turn up when his goal is to stop the violence; put down the guns; and embrace peace and love. I suppose that is the price of fame. Like all of us, Mr. Kelly deserves a personal life. Please respect that.”

For all the gory details, read the entire Buzzfeed piece here.

Kid Rock confirms that he’s running for senate in Michigan. Bawitdaba.

Rock/rap/country artist Kid Rock confirmed yesterday that he is running for a Michigan Senate seat.

Kid Rock sent the internet into a little bit of a frenzy after tweeting that he had “a major announcement in the near future,” and speculation immediately grew that the musician was running for office.

Then Mr. Rock confirmed that indeed he was running for Senate.

A quick look at his website shows no actual policy (lol) that Rock would implement, but he does have some damn catchy slogans and merch ready.

Slogans include “Pimp of the Nation” (hmm); “Party to the People” (ok?); “Welcome to the Party” (Kid Rock running on that infamous party platform); “You Never Met a Politician Quite Like Me” (oh no); “Get in the Senate and Try to Help Someone” (I just punched my computer screen).

If you’re unfamiliar with some of Kid Rock’s work, let me introduce to you the seminal piece of art known simply as “Bawitdaba.”

Bawitdaba indeed, Bawitdaba indeed.

If Rock lands on the ballot in November 2018, the Michigan native will be running against Sen. Debbie Stabenow, a Democrat who has held the seat since 2000.

Speaking to EW, Stabenow had a rather tongue-in-cheek response to Kid Rock’s announcement,

“I know we both share a love of music. I concede he is better at playing the guitar, and I’ll keep doing what I do best, which is fighting for Michigan.”

But, according to various political reporters, Kid Rock has yet to file the necessary paperwork with the Federal Election Commission (FEC).

There are actual guidelines to running for government, you can’t just run on a bunch of hats and slogans (although “Pimp of a Nation” is pretty irresistible).

https://twitter.com/ttagaris/status/885243702880370688

An ardent backer of Donald Trump, Kid Rock has spoken out about his support of gun rights and his disdain for PC culture. Kid Rock visited the White House with Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent back in April.

https://twitter.com/Diane_7A/status/885249875218247681

God help us all if Kid Rock becomes a United States Senator.

Why Shia? LaBeouf goes on racist, expletive-filled rant after being arrested

Shia LaBeouf is going to need more than the Autobots to climb out this drunken hole.

Late Saturday night, the Transformers star got bagged for public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, and obstruction in Savannah, Ga.

Why Shia? You couldn’t just chill in the crib?

According to Shia and police reports, the actor got a little bit out of hand when he asked a group of people for a cigarette and started cursing in front of women and children.

Body cam footage shows the 31-year-old exiting his hotel through the lobby in handcuffs. During the arrest, Shia yells multiple profanities, complains about how tight his handcuffs are, and wonders why he’s being arrested.

What a look.

Once the “He Will Not Divide Us” activist pulled up to the precinct he caught up with some more cops. Body cam footage also shows Shia threatening to bite one of their noses off, challenging the same one to square up, screeching about how tight the cuffs were, and asking why he was in custody.

What’s the best part? Shia looks at one of the cops and says,

“Oooh, I would just eat you dawg. You’re a fucking whore, 1950s Norman Rockwell America, it’s called white picket fence and fuck you!”

Shout out to TMZ.

Wait, there’s more. Shia caught up with a Black police officer who he was not too happy to see. Labeouf basically told the cop that he was going to hell because he is Black.

 

https://youtu.be/kz_TJWHMGLE

It seems the Man Down actor had a chock-full of expletives for a white cop too. He violated this poor man as Shia suggested that the cop’s wife watches Xvideos (!) and that she prefers Black guys because he doesn’t have all the goods. Peep the rant below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8DMnAyCxeE

Then, Shia took to Twitter and apologized for his actions and explained that his sobriety has been an issue.

Welp. We all hope you get the help you need, Shia. We don’t need any more drunken outbursts, DWIs, or racist behavior.

Some words for the wise, don’t get lost in the sauce man.

Kellyanne Conway begins prop comedy career on ‘Hannity’

After revelations of Donald Trump Jr.’s meeting  with a Russian lawyer over supposed intel on Hillary Clinton, there have been growing shouts of collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign.

Now, Senators on the intelligence committee are calling for interviews with young Trump.

Sen. Mark Warner, a Democrat from Indiana, said of the new Trump Jr. emails,

“[This is] the first time that the public has seen clear evidence of senior-level members of the Trump campaign meeting with Russians to try to obtain information that might hurt the campaign of Hillary Clinton.”

It’s not just Democrats calling for further investigations. Sen. Susan Collins, a Republican from Maine, also wants to talk to Trump Jr.,

“Our intelligence committee needs to interview him and others who attended the meeting,”

Many politicians and political analysts are calling this meeting between Trump Jr. and Natalia Veselnitskaya a blatant act of collusion with a foreign government.

In that case, the question would not be whether or not there was a crime committed, but to what degree Trump Jr. broke the law.

Supporters of Mr. Trump and those in his inner circle have argued that getting opposition intel on your opponent is par for the course in a tense and competitive election.

Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s trusty mouthpiece, went on Sean Hannity (another trusty Trump mouthpiece) and used cue cards to demonstrate… something.

For those who don’t have the stomach to watch, here’s a transcript of Conway holding up a cue card with the words “Conclusion?” and then “Collusion” crossed out with red marker,

“This is to help all the people at home. What’s the conclusion? Collusion? No. We don’t have that yet.”

“Yet!”

As Hannity yucked it up in the background, Conway went on, this time with an “Illusion” and “Delusion” card,

“I see illusion and delusion. So just so we’re clear, everyone. Four words. Conclusion? Collusion, no. Illusion, delusion, yes. I just thought we’d have some fun with words. A Sesame [Street] Grover’s word of the day, perhaps, Sean.”

Hmm.

I just feel bad for comedy writers.

How can you make fun of the Trump administration when it’s already such a parody of itself?

The good people of Twitter still tried their best to mock Kellyanne’s ridiculous props.

The good and wholesome Love Actually meme


WHAT ABOUT THE PEE TAPE?


It did seem familiar…


Kellyanne getting Crying Jordan’d was inevitable

https://twitter.com/nightoatmeal/status/885343064541335553


She’s just a prop comedian now

This would all be so hilarious if, you know, the fate of the free world wasn’t being determined by these people.

Shit is bleak, but at least we have the memes.