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Scientific study says dolphins could take over the planet…if they had thumbs


Dolphins are probably the cutest mammals the ocean has to offer. They are also one of the most intelligent species on the planet. They are man’s best sea friend.

Psych, FOH!

If this marine species had thumbs they would come for our necks. Thank god evolution did them dirty.


A new study published in Nature Ecology and Evolution states that dolphins and whales possibly possess the intelligence to dominate humans.

The study is the first of its kind. Scientists came together from all around the globe in order to compile research on 90 different species of dolphins, whales, and porpoises.

Sheesh! That’s a lot of blowholes.

The societal and cultural characteristics were researched in order to make a connection between brain size and brain expansion. This was done in order to compare it to the evolution of our species.

The research points to the fact that Cetaceans have sophisticated social and cooperative behavior traits, similar to many found in humans.

Cetaceans are able to work together for a mutual benefit, they can hunt and use tools, they can talk to each other, and even give each other names.

There’s more, they also hunt together, are able to work with different species, and can engage in social play.

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But the lack of opposable thumbs has stunted their progression in society. An author on the new study, Susanne Shultz, explained,

“Unfortunately, they won’t ever mimic our great metropolises and technologies because they didn’t evolve opposable thumbs,”

Can you imagine, if 100 years from now they did grow these thumbs, what they would say to us, humans? Probably something along the lines of FUCK YOU.

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Chill, imagine getting the hands from a dolphin.

This actually has me shook. Whales are huge, aerodynamic, dope at swimming, and they can hold their breath for hours.

What the fuck can humans do? Poop and destroy? Like we’re shit out of luck if these guys make landfall. I’m not going near an ocean for a while.


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