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I watched all the Kid Rock rallies so you don’t have to. We are doomed.

The New Little Caesars Arena in Detroit has opened with six straight Kid Rock concerts/political rallies and well, they were fucking bananas.

Kid Rock has used this opportunity to preach about a wide range of topics, despite having not officially announced his candidacy.

He doesn’t seem to have a very carefully crafted political platform but just a bunch of random conservative talking points that Mr. Rock wants to touch on.

While draped in the American flag, Rock proselytized about everything from the national anthem, black lives matter, gay rights, and holding his dick. He did all of this while addressing the crowd in slam poetry style rhymes. The whole thing was terrible.

Rock opened up with a nuanced analysis of football players protesting the national anthem. It’s fascinating stuff,

“If you wanna take a knee and sit there during our Star Spangled Banner, call me a racist because I’m not PC and think you have to remind me that black lives matter. Nazis. F–king bigots. And now again the KKK? I say f–k all you racists. Stay the hell away.”

All of those sentences definitely make sense in that order. Rock was not done with his incisive commentary, he would go on to wonder why “is everything so gay” and talk about transgender rights,

“And why these days is everything so gay? Gay rights, transgender this and that. I say let gay folks get married if they want to and I’m not even close to a Democrat. But things shouldn’t be this complicated, and no you don’t get to choose because whatever you have between your legs should determine the bathroom that you use.”

Kid Rock just really knows how to get to the core of the issues most important to us as a nation. It’s now obvious that you don’t really have to know about shit to be president of the country, you can just kinda rant about stuff from a racist, cranky old white guy perspective and you’ll go really far.

And hey, Kid Rock wants you to know he loves Black people, but there’s a caveat,

“And I do believe it to be self evident, that we’re all created equal. I said it once, I’ll scream it again: I love black people. And I love white people, too. But neither as much as I love red, white and blue.”

Woooooooooo that fuckin’ RED, WHITE, AND BLUE!!!! That god damned star spangled banner just gets me all jacked up, I also love it more than people! Nothing worse than those cuck libs who in fact love people more than THE FLAG!!!!

Regardless, Kid Rock has some serious political aspirations. He painted a very exciting picture of President Kid Rock in the Oval Office holding his dick,

“And if Kid Rock said it, it’s got some folks in disarray, wait ’til you hear Kid Rock for the President of the USA. Cause wouldn’t it be a sight to see, President Kid Rock in Washington DC. Standing on the desk in the Oval Office like a G. Holding my d–k ready to address the whole country.”

This dude is an absolute LOCK to get elected. God help us all.