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Five things that will definitely happen in the NFL this season

The season is still new and football fans all over the country are allowing themselves to dream. The odds are fluctuating, pundits and ex-pros are salivating over upcoming fixtures and Greenbay Packers fans still actually believe that Aaron Rodgers is a world-class quarterback.

Chances are you’ve spent the last month consuming as much football as possible. Life is so much better now that it’s back! The football betting markets are open and bettors are flocking to providers like DraftKings to try their hand at winning some money. Many bettors prepare by trawling through countless pages of statistics and rewatching old highlights.

Despite your eagerness to soak up every bit of NFL 2019 content, you have yet to stumble across an article like this – our alternative preview to the upcoming season. Read on to find out what will definitely (super definitely) happen this year.

The New York Jets Will Win A Game

There’s no better place to start than with the most outlandish, craziest prediction of the entire season. You read it here first, the beleaguered, brow-beaten Jets will upset all the odds this season by tasting the sweet, sweet flavor of victory at least once.

After going 3-3 in their opening six games of NFL 2018 the Jets tailed off significantly. Fans of the eighth-best team in New York attributed their poor form to the players supporting quarterback Sam Darnold when it fact it was Darnold himself who was at fault!

Darnold’s passing was so bad that some pundits claimed he wouldn’t be able to hit water if he fell out of a boat. Some might say that’s harsh but the stats don’t lie, the Jets were nothing short of atrocious last season.

In their bid to turn around their ailing offensive fortunes the franchise has hired their first offensively-minded coach since the 1990s. With a rapid overhaul needed the Jets have put their faith in Adam Gase, a man whose last team – the Miami Dolphins – finished 14th, 27th and 26th in their last three Football Outsiders DVOA rankings.

Don’t worry though Jets fans, general manager Mike Maccagnan brought in running back Le’Veon Bell to transform the team’s offense. Maccagnan’s bosses were so delighted with that deal that they promptly fired him a few days later.

The Dallas Cowboys Will Win The Premier League

Green Bay Packers fans are famed for bigging up their team’s profitability and worldwide reach. In a growing sign of their troubled times, the team’s fans have even lost these humble bragging rights to the Dallas Cowboys.

According to recent financial reports, the Cowboys are now the most valuable sports team on the face of the earth. In recent years, Wembley Stadium in London has been the focus of NFL’s efforts to gain global superiority, now the Cowboys are planning to take things one step further.

Bobby Wagner Will Miss A Tackle

The Legion of Boom legacy at the Seattle Seahawks has shown no signs of ending in recent season with Bobby Wagner retaining his reputation as one of the most formidable defensive players in the NFL.

Over the course of the past three seasons, Wagner has made a truly stunning 2,314 tackles, missing a grand total of 0. Courts up and down the country have been jam-packed with offensive players trying to gain restraining orders against Wagner, but up until now, none have succeeded.

In what has been dubbed the deal of the century, Bobby Wagner has agreed to miss one tackle in NFL 2019. The Seahawks player has refused to confirm in what game he will miss this tackle, but keep your eyes peeled for this once in a lifetime event.

Getting past Bobby Wagner is one of the hardest things in life to do

Bill Belichick Will Make A Mistake

In last year’s offseason pundits and Patriots, fans were screaming their anger into pillows up and down the country as head coach Belichick jettisoned Nate Solder and Malcolm Butler. The two players were key to the Patriot’s recent success and in letting them go to the Giants and the Titans respectively, many thought the Patriots were throwing away their Superbowl chances.

When Belichick replaced chose right tackle Trent Brown as the man to fill the hole left at left tackle fans and pundits were filled with even more rage. Yet the former 49ers man excelled in his new role and had a career-best season as the Patriots won the Superbowl.

It wasn’t just at left tackle that Belichick bucked conventional wisdom, he also plugged the gap left by Malcolm Butler with a bizarre combination of J.C. Jackson and Jonathan Jones.

The Patriots head coach has consistently highlighted his ability to come up with creative solutions to perceived crises. NFL 2019 will be the season where his luck finally runs out and is decisions backfire.

In a tight Superbowl against the New Orleans Saints, Belichick’s bold decision to play Brady at wide receiver and Edelman at quarterback will blow up in his face. That move will cost the Patriots the Superbowl and Belichick his job.

Harry Kane Joins Indianapolis Colts

Kickers are some of the lowest-paid players in the NFL, but money isn’t an issue for English soccer star Harry Kane. The Tottenham striker has been a long-time admirer of the NFL and even named his two dogs after Tom Brady and Russell Wilson.

Kane has consistently said that once he retires from soccer he plans to pursue a career in American Football as a kicker. The Englishman has practiced with some of the best players in the world and even taken advice from his sporting hero Tom Brady.

Rumors emerging from London indicate that Kane is growing tired of playing the most overrated sport in the world. Tottenham fans have even posted pictures of Kane reading books and watching NFL highlights on his phone as his team plays out yet another 0-0 draw.

In an amazing turn of events, Harry Kane will replace Adam Vinatieri as the Colts kicker just hours before the start of NFL 2019. Due to the fact that the only similarity between soccer and football is the presence of a ball, Kane will turn out to be a terrible kicker and leave the NFL with his head hanging in shame.