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Chris Christie shuts down Jersey public beaches, gets beach to himself

Donald Trump’s resident fat guy and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lounged on the beach on Saturday amid a state government shut down that closed that very beach to the public.

On Friday morning, New Jersey closed all state parks, beaches, and historic sites as Garden State residents were literally turned away from their July 4th vacations.

It was all good for Chris Christie, though, he had the beach all to himself.

It’s very important to shield precious Chris Christie away from the hordes of peasants trying to enjoy their 4th of July weekends.

Naturally, you’d expect someone to be slightly remorseful or maybe try and change the general narrative in lieu of pictures like the one above.

Nah, this is Chris Christie we’re talking about.

He was rather unrepentant in a press conference on Monday in which the New Jersey Governor announced a $34.7 billion budget to end the shutdown.

Christie said of the beach pictures,

“I don’t apologize for it. I don’t back away from it. Whenever I get done tonight, I’ll go back to the beach. That’s where my family is and that’s where I’ll go back to.”

Folks, it doesn’t even really count. Christie explained,

“I don’t count going out on the beach after I’d been working all morning to sit and talk with my wife and our guests for 40 minutes before I had to leave and come back to work as ‘getting sun.’”

Chris Christie hates the sun. He wants nothing to do with this ‘sun’ you speak of,

“That wasn’t what I was out there to get.”

Makes you think, if a fat politician is on the beach and they’re not ‘getting sun’ did it ever even happen?

The round mound of running his state into the ground went on to say that going to the beach is a non-story. But he did have some interesting ideas as to what would make it a story!

“Now, if they flew that plane over the beach and I was sitting next to a 25-year-old blonde in that beach chair next to me, that’s a story.”


“I wasn’t sitting next to a 25-year-old blonde. I was sitting next to my wife of 31 years surrounded by my children and some of their best friends. If that’s a scandal, then that’s a scandal I’m guilty of every day of my life.”


Chris Christie is such a blatant scumbag it almost makes you nostalgic for the days of yore, when politicians were just generally trash (like Christie) and not, like, apocalyptically scary (like our president).

Honestly, shoutout Chris Christie for making politicians boringly awful again.