Are soulmates real, fam?
You hear about stories of tragic love or ongoing solid relationships and people often refer to those connections as soulmates.
Lauren London and Nipsey Hussle. Jada and Will. But what constitutes a soulmate? In a world where dating can be a minefield of disappointment, miscommunication, toxicity, and betrayal, are soulmates real?
It seems like the type of phenomenon of “when you know you know,” but plenty of relationships seem like the be all end all during their best parts. This is your list of questions you should ask yourself when searching for the “one”:
Do you feel in control of your own growth?
It’s important not to idealize your longing for a romantic partner as the answer to all your problems. Being lonely is real, especially if you’ve just come out of a relationship where you had access to someone all the time.
Instead, focus your energies on making sure you’re good. Self-care is key. Focusing on your own growth as a person is too. Are you who you want to be? If not, are you on your way to be that person?
It’s okay if the answer to these questions is no. It just means that you have a goal to work towards. Loving yourself now and in the future.
Are you dating people based on convenience or default checklists?
Just because the person you met at that party had the same major as you in college, or the same hair as your ex does not mean it will work out.
Even if you learn by date 3 that a million things about them check off all the boxes of your perfect mate. They are not perfect. No-one is. Plus people grow and change and they should.
So choose your partners based on shared trust and open communication is how to do it. Chemistry isn’t everything, because with just a few wrong ingredients it could be a ticking time bomb.
Are they playing by the same rules as you?
This question is important. It implies that love is a game, but it should be one where you’re on the same team as your partner. Talk through your grievances, with compassion and the intent of seeking to understand. Be clear about your boundaries. Be clear about your feelings. Honesty saves time and headaches. It can also save you from heartache.
Are you compromising and ignoring red flags?
Having faults is one thing.
Being controlling and manipulative is another. Assuming you’ve taken my advice to beginning all relationships and dating life with clear compassionate communication, you should also speak up when something feels wrong. Because chances are your intuition is right.
But don’t scheme to prove yourself right. Communicate your concerns. Think they’re seeing other people? Ask them. Think they’re still lying? Tell them your trust has not reached a level where you believe them.
Don’t accept defensiveness as a final response. Don’t accept being insulted or disrespected as a “momentary act of passion.” Healthy relationships aren’t built on fear.
Are you improving each other’s lives?
Yes, love is great. But self-improvement is still number one and if you do it right love will be on the same page. It’s important not to enable each other on your worst behavior. Talking shit with your partner
Do your friends like them?
If you have friends you absolutely love and that love you, and they don’t fuck with your new boo, there’s probably something there. Don’t be that person that rejects all your deep friendships for a new romantic relationship.
Do they make you happy regularly?
It sounds boring but consistency is key. People always say that over time the initial attraction fades and things get boring, but they don’t have to be.
Is there really only “one” soulmate for you?
There doesn’t need to be a “one.” First off maybe you’re happier being polyamorous. Maybe you feel deeply connected to different people at different times. Chasing an ideal can lead to never giving real connections a chance. Remember honesty is the best policy.
Summing it up
Instead of looking for your “soulmate,” look for a healthy relationship. You can still call your partner your soulmate but remember that your emotional and mental health are better off with positive connections based on more than a concept.